recap...bangkok to krabi to phi phi

salaam

because it has been a while since i've lent my comments to this blog i thought i'd share with you an excerpt from my personal journal. please allow me to forewarn the reader that the content of this entry is uncensored. this is all me, raw and uncut, and in no way reflects the opinions of my wife, family, or religion. viewer discretion is advised.....but it's really not that bad.

th 06 oct 05 05:59:50

...just finding a bus departing the same day that wasn't full was a chore. we walked with our 50 pounds of bullshit on our backs for several miles in the rain trying to find the best deal...so after all that, we came up with nothing but poor demeanors and marital frustration. booooo! while in our quandry we were eventually approached by this man whom we had encountered earlier who was happy to offer us an answer in exchange for a 20 baht ride from his tuk tuk driving friend. after some continued talking (me trying to explain that the t.a.t was too expensive and we were ok walking) the tuk tuk driver offered us a free ride to the t.a.t so that she could get a free gas coupon. much to joronda's anger and disappointment, i agreed. so the scowl-faced skeptic and i boarded the tuk tuk bound for yet another t.a.t (tourism authority thailand...or something like that...but it should stand for theiving another tourist). when we arrived at the t.a.t i figured i should do all the talking and so i left joronda outside with the tuk tuk and i went in to work. after some negotiating i was able to get us on a bus to krabi leaving that evening at 1900 for 550 baht each. that still doesn't include the boat ride from krabi to phi phi but at least it was a start.....

so currently i sit in a small "truck stop"/travel agency in surat thani awaiting our transfer bus to take us to krabi at 0700. anyway, getting back to the first leg of the bus trip...

once we finally boarded the bus to krabi i was very happy. happy to finally be enroute and that much closer to phi phi, and for not having to stay a third night in bangkok. it's not that bangkok was bad, bangkok was great! i was just trying to get to phi phi asap...i mean hell, that's why we came out here. so bottom line...i'm glad to be on the bus. the bus is packed with an eclectic mix of travellers...israel, hungary, ireland, new zealand, and indonesia are just some of the countries aboard.

so while on this bus i learned two quick lessons...hungarians are assholes, and americans piss and moan about everything! of course i am NOT talking about all hungarians and americans, just the 6 occupying the 3 seats around us. lets start with the americans...just before the bus was about to depart, and 15 minutes late i might add, buffy and biff saunter onto the bus being extra careful not to touch anything (damn near including their seats) lest the third world cooties latch onto their pampered asses.....speaking of pampered asses, i must interrupt this harangue to tell you about the best 3 baht ever spent. just used the toilet here and what glorious item did i find awaiting me?...none other than the rough, sandpapery goodness of 1 ply elementary school toilet paper!!! ahhh, the soothing scratch of 1 ply after a long contained bowel movement is just what i needed to get the pep in my step again in this land of water and bare hand wiping. but i digress...

so buffy (with biff nodding in approval like a cheap bobblehead doll) proceeds to complain that they must be on the wrong bus because it looks nothing like the picture...since when does anything in marketing ever look like the picture? when was the last time mcdonalds served the juicy burger with fresh tomato and crisp lettuce like they advertise? we all know it's only the best in wilted, microwaved cuisine from them. so unfortunately buffy had to settle for bangkok's v.i.p bus service, which i thought was great. i mean we were on a double decker, air-conditioned bus with reclinable seating, blankets, a t.v., and the best part...big windows for an unabashed view of thailands thoroughfare. so for 10 hours she pissed and moaned, moaned about pissing, slept, then pissed and moaned again. ahhh, i love americans, but hungarians...shhiiiittt...well at least the couple seated in front of us...but they were so rude that i hope they didn't f--k it up for the entire country. let me explain...

from the time we boarded the bus it started off bad. at 1845, joronda and i are shown our seats behind the aforementioned couple. now mind you, it's only 6:45 in the evening and at this point they had their seats in 3/4 recline, which is exactly the distance between my right hand and left hand...that is if my fingers were interlocked and my hands were duct taped together and then put in a vice to squeeze out all remaining air!! well you get the idea...so naturally this presents a question of etiquette (to reference 'Fight Club') when passing, do i brush the top of your head with my ass or crotch? hmmmmmmmmm...so an ass and a crotch later we take our seats...no big deal.

20 minutes later i'm standing in the isle rearranging my belongings when suddenly i'm stiff-armed in the back by 'olga' rushing down the line like she's walter payton!! where, where could she possibly be going? well i'll tell you...no where. do you hear me? NO DAMN WHERE!!! and how do i know this? because when she got 4 steps away from me, she turned back around and pushed and shoved her way back to her seat...strike two. still no big deal, i mean we're in thailand for goodness sakes, and we're blessed to be here.

6 hours later...joronda and i return to the bus from the 1 hour break we were given, only to find these bastards in FULL RECLINE. what the hell is this?!?!!? strike three!! now after "crotch on facing it" back to our seats joronda flips on the overhead reading light to write in her journal. this subsequenly awakens the photo-sensitive 'olga' who snarls at the 1 watt bulb which can barely light itself, let alone the entire bus. so why was 'olga' disturbed by this insignificant reading light...because it was shining directly in her eyes. and why was it shining in her eyes...because her head was so far back that her face was cesarianed in joronda's lap so any journal writing would have had to be done on her forehead. so 'olga' jumps up cursing to 'mr. olga', who yells to their friends, who holler back to 'olga', who looks at us with disgust, throws a temper tantrum, and eventually...shuts her damn mouth, puts on an eye mask, and goes back to sleep. and that little light continued to stay on...you know why...because we're blessed to be in thailand for goodness sakes, and it's not that serious.

hope you enjoyed the story. please note: all "serious" curse words were censored...i mean come on guys, my mom's going to read this...and i love my mom :)

salaam
mateo